My Definitive Top 5 Non-Food Smells on Earth

doge smell

Because I don’t know what the dust on Mars smells like. Everyone has their favorite smells, unless they are Dewey Cox smell-blind (don’t laugh! I actually have a friend who has no sense of smell and my nose weeps for his). But, there are certain scents that seem to have a strong, visceral appeal to most of humanity and I’m here to let you know exactly which ones should be in your top five and, perhaps, to let you know if you have a Bush League nose. Let us start at No. 5. Continue reading

There Are Reese’s Eggs And Then There Is Everything Else

Its the day after Easter which means, if you had to bet your bottom dollar on one thing its that I’m coming down from the most delectable of sugar highs, the one caused by the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg.

Peanut Butter Egg

I mean look at that sexy goddamn thing! I’d be lying if the taste buds didn’t start sweating as I was doing a Google image search for that bad boy. Now its clear to me, and most sane people, that the Reese’s Egg is the #1 seasonal candy on the market and its not even close. Peeps? Good for blowing up in the microwave but as an actual item to digest, no. I feel like Peeps just sit in your stomach and refuse to actually dissolve. Parks itself right in your gut and makes a nest with all those pieces of gum you’ve swallowed. Candy Corn? Pfft. Awful, and like Lewis Black says I’m pretty sure Candy Corn isn’t even made anymore, just recycled. Always reminds me of the terrible candy that law and doctor offices have. Probably the closest competitor resides in the same holiday, the Cadbury Egg. While I know the Cadbury Egg is near and dear to many people’s hearts you are a grade A liar if you say its better than an Reese’s Egg.

Listen, I’m a reasonable man, I respect people’s opinions, but saying the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg isn’t the best seasonal candy is basically saying the sky isn’t blue or that you don’t love Jesus. You don’t want to be an asshole who hates Jesus raving about a neon green sky now do you? I didn’t think so.

Now excuse me as I go find one of these giant Reese’s Eggs and continue my quest towards Type II Diabetes.

giant rpe

Bonus Lewis Black:

I’m Trying To Put Together A PC From Scratch

No Idea Dog

This is what being impatient (read: inebriated) and having access to Google and a debit card gets you. Building my own PC; which, for those of you who don’t know, is like dealing with a nerve-wracking $600 jigsaw puzzle. I’m honestly just slapping things together with a wink and a prayer and hoping when I turn it on for the first time it doesn’t snap-crackle-and smoke or, worse, become sentient and murder me on its first step to global domination.

To say I’ve been leaning on Youtube and LifeHacker would be an understatement. I’m basically hanging on to them like a lifeboat yelling “RICHARD PARKER!” like I’m in Life of Pi.

Feels good, though, I guess, to build something that will hopefully last for 6-7 years but I can’t help but feel like I’m a screw or an electric static shock away from disaster. Like I’m playing a game of “Operation” which I HATED as a kid and still remember with angst today.

The payoff though will be a nice, kickass, non-porn riddled PC (for a few days at least) that I’ll have gotten a ton of bang for my buck out of and the self satisfaction of having built it myself.*

*I will try to remember this as I’m swearing later

Jets Sign Chris Johnson and I Begrudgingly Admit Its A Good Move (But Hope It Ends Terribly)

I like this logo. Reminds me when the Jets were truly awful.

I like this logo. Reminds me when the Jets were truly awful.

God I hate the Jets. In fact they may be the only thing on the planet that I actually truly hate. I get almost as much joy out of watching the Jets lose as I do watching the Patriots win. However, that is all just background for me having to admit that I don’t hate their Chris Johnson signing.

Do you brush gold teeth with regular toothpaste? No, right?

Do you brush gold teeth with regular toothpaste? No, right?

Now I’m not saying the Pats need to be scared of the Jets. You respect them, but only because its the NFL and the Sunday you don’t respect an opponent they tend to whoop your ass, but you certainly aren’t scared. Still, it is a solid move. Johnson is 28, 2 years shy of the AARP recommended age of retirement for RBs, and can be a nice speed/dump off option to compliment the grinders the Jets currently have in Powell/Ivory if he stays healthy. Obviously, I don’t think the 2009, CJ2K is going to be making a comeback but it does remind me of the move the Jets made in 2010 to get LT and, for two years, he was a pain in the Patriots’ ass even not being the player he once was.

Continue reading

Two Weeks In and I’d Say ‘Dumpster Fire’ Best Describes MLB’s Replay System

I don't know either Spidey. I don't know either.

I don’t know either Spidey. I don’t know either.

So two weeks into the new MLB season and I think its fair to say that the MLB’s new replay system is, how you say, a clusterfuck. I’m not really sure how no one in the MLB league office thought this would go down any other way with how they implemented the system. The replay system should have been reserved for plays at the plate, home runs, and verifying perfect/no hit games and that’s it. But nope! Now every, single, meticulous play in the world’s slowest sport is up for debate and its absolutely abysmal.

Continue reading

Adception; Third Level of the Dream with htc and Gary Oldman

Has everyone seen this commercial with Gary Oldman for htc?

"Blah Blah Blah Blah"

“Blah Blah Blah Blah”

What. The. Hell. Was that? I mean, I guess I get what they are going for. Poking fun at legitimate actors getting paid major scratch to pitch random products but isn’t that whole theme lost when htc actually paid a legitimate actor major scratch to basically say, “Fuck you, Google it”? Just seems counter-intuitive to me.

Also, every time I heard Gary Oldman’s actual voice I’m thrown. So soft and fuddy duddy English and in most of his movies he sounds nothing like that. In fact, I’m convinced he’s just Madonna-ing the whole thing.

Below is a link to the actual commerical which you have to watch a commercial to see. I told you in the title, Adception.



Old News: Game of Thrones is groundbreaking. New Revelation: HBO knows it.


Smarter Than You

So in a surprise to no one, I love Game of Thrones. I’ve read all the books (hikes glasses held together by masking tape up on the nose) and generally adore the show so I won’t pretend this isn’t biased. I mean pretty much any show that promises boobies and blades my ass is in a seat for. Camelot, Rome, The Tudors I mean, shit, I even watched Spartacus after Andy Whitfield passed away and that show was basically an M-Rated video game.* That all being said, GoT has done something groundbreaking in that it is a world driven drama, not character driven.

Now I know that sounds…let’s go with pompous but if you really think about it it’s probably the least douchey way to explain what I mean succinctly but I’ll spell it out after the jump. Continue reading