After a nearly 24 year hiatus the Rams are back in LA. Beating out the Chargers and Raiders who also applied to relocate to the City of Angels the Rams are leaving the Cardinal red confines of St. Louis and returning to the California sun where the franchise originated in 1946. With an aging stadium and lackluster fan base I’m not shocked that the Rams were the team the NFL chose to move back to their original home. There is a history there that eager fans can tap into and LA has been a market black hole in the NFL’s empire since the twin departures of the Raiders and Rams after the ’94 season.
Even more exciting than football returning to that sprawling, dirty epicenter of the shallow and superficial though is which celebrity will become the head honk of the new LA Rams? Its a tremendous opportunity and in a town where being seen is paramount I don’t think there will be any shortage of candidates who run out (read: dispatch a personal servant/minion/assistant) to grab some blue and gold merch and pretend to know what college Todd Gurley attended to get those coveted invites to the sideline and have those ESPN producers come a knockin if Jeff Fisher manages to win more than 8 games and get into the playoffs. So, without further ado, lets handicap the top 5 candidates to be the new LA Rams pep rally leader.
1.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt 10-1
This would actually make a ton of sense for JGL aka everyone’s favorite off screen Robin. He’s been in the business forever, has a ton of celebrity friends, and very easily could slide in as the celeb front man for the Rams. All it would do would raise his profile even further and elevate the wave of fame he is currently riding into a true crescendo. I’m fully expecting him to be at the Rams opening game getting interviewed by Suzy Kolber (Rams 100% will be getting the 2016 opening MNF game). He won’t be in no Tavon Austin or Todd Gurley jersey though. Expect a throwback Eric Dickerson. JGL will be looking to build OG Rams cred along with his brand.
2.) Will Ferrell 20-1
Yes, yes I know. Technically Frank the Tank has hitched his fandom to the 12s and the Seahawks abominable bandwagon. However, I just don’t think the kid from Irvine, CA is going to be able to ignore the traditional NFL team of his pretty much hometown showing back up. Close to work, close to home, and definitely close enough to throw together a mediocre Funny Or Die/Gary Sanchez training camp production to sell to HBO/NFL network for bags of cash. Opportunity is knocking and I think Will is going to answer it eagerly on his tiny cell phone.
3.) The Kardashians 35-1
I know you just read that and went “oh shit”. Well, imagine how it felt writing it. None of it will be genuine. None of it will be sincere. All of it will be nauseating but when a $10 billion a year, most powerful pro sports organization comes to town you bet your ass Kris Jenner is going to get a cut. I’m sure right now she is furiously trying to get any and all Rams players numbers to lay the groundwork for Kendall’s and Kylie’s budding romances. I bet she’s even got the Rams GM number seeing how far she can push him to draft Deshaun Watson in 2017. If that happens you better believe Tyga’s borderline pederast ass will be out on the street muttering in between sobs, “I’m still lit”. They won’t actually go to the games unless its the playoffs and national TV but don’t tell me you can’t already see some Instagram posts complete with aggressive sideboob and ass with the #GoRams tagged below it. I’m totes gonna vom if this happens.
4.) Tyrese 50-1
This may seem random but I actually think there is a good chance Tyrese is a legit Rams fan. Born in ’78 he definitely had time to fall in love with the Rams before their exodus to STL. I know in the 80’s and early 90’s, with West Coast Hip Hop’s emergence, the Raiders were all the rage but something tells me Tyrese bleeds Ram Blue and Gold. The most recent memory a lot of people have of him is breaking down at the scene of Paul Walker’s crash site which is a bummer. I’d like to see Tyrese associated with something else other than heart wrenching despair and smile again. Him leading the Rams’ charge back into the golden state seems like the perfect chance to do just that.
5.) Leo 10000-1
This is it. This is the Holy Grail. All signs point to it being impossible. Being a football fan, an American football fan is so plebeian that the very idea of it probably repulses Leo. If anything, Leo being a Rams fan would bring down his rep. His favorite sport is probably Jai Lai or Cricket or some shit like that. However, if I’m the Rams? I’m doing everything I can just to get Leo in the stadium because you get so much more than him. At least 20-30 models from around the world. You get Jonah Hill in all his goofy t-shirt in the water wearing glory. You get the Pussy Crusher Crew’s original consigliere in Toby Maguire. Adult voice cracking ass and all. The rich, the beautiful and the powerful will flock to the LA Rams’ games if they know Leo is there. I’m just not sure Leo has gone to the same place twice since Titantic dropped unless it hosts acting award ceremonies so it may be a tough sell. That doesn’t mean the Rams shouldn’t try everything to make it happen.