Listen, I understand being left handed is rare. I get that we are weirdos who’s life expectancy is 7 years less. I understand that manufacturer’s aren’t going to take the time and money to change out their machines or process to make left handed products for only 10 percent of the general human population. Shit, I even understand that the idea of being left handed as evil is derived from Zeus cutting off his pop’s head with his left hand in a sweet sneak attack.
That doesn’t mean I don’t rage inside at the various inanimate objects that mock my opposable thumb preference. Doesn’t mean I don’t curse those manufacturers and the right handed world in general in the name of Southpaw’s everywhere. I mean I know you Righties don’t get it but you find out pretty much as soon as you get to organized education that being a lefty is going to be a bitch. I mean as recently as the 1930’s teachers were making left handed kids switch to their right. Now we know that can lead to dyslexia and other learning disabilities because fucking with a 6 and 7 year olds hand eye coordination when they are trying to learn for the first time is of course going to cause some issues.
I’m not here to lament any of that. This is just to raise the left handed war banner high and declare these 5 inanimate objects enemies of the lefty state.
I know this is going to be hard to believe but, in the year 2016, no one makes left handed chainsaws. NO ONE! That is outrageous. I’m trying to think of a more dangerous tool to not make for left handed people and can’t. Just a slap in the face for all the left handed lumberjacks out there who put on women’s clothing just like their dear ma ma. Shameful.
Unlike the backward chainsaw industry there are left handed scissors out there but they are pretty much the unicorns of the scissor world. I actually don’t even know if I’ve ever see a pair of lefty scissors. While those are options as an adult they definitely were not an option as a little kid in those plastic thumb and index finger death traps. Have you ever tried to use right handed scissors on your left hand? I’ll save you the trouble. It fucking HURTS. No wonder I wrap gifts like a blind drunk chimp.
3.) 3 Ring Binders
Ah. So we meet again binder of the 3 rings. They look innocent enough I’ll grant you but for a left handed person these sonuvabitches are basically a set of U-shaped handcuffs. Trying to write in a notebook on the right hand side as a lefty and you are basically asking your forearm to become a contortionist. It did the impossible. Made Trapper Keepers not as sweet for the lefties. Hate you 3RBs.
2) The L Shaped Desk
Oh there you are you contraption of Hades. Absolute bane of every left handed person who isn’t home schooled. There’s maybe 5 in your entire school be it middle or high and they are old, creaky, and battered because, apparently, once every school hit that quota of 5 lefty desks in 1970 that was it and the desk factories closed up shop. Nothing better than trying to take notes with an elbow floating in the air across your body while your useless, non writing arm is resting comfortably. Dicks.
1.) Erasable Pens
Here we go. The grandaddy pain in the ass for left handed people. The erasable pen. Honestly, I don’t even know if these are made any more but holy shit did these things suck when they were all the rage. Great invention, don’t get me wrong. A pen that erases?! Magic to a 6th graders mind. Now imagine that magic turning to shit and that shit making your hands look like you were fingering mademoiselle chimney sweep in between 3rd and 4th periods. Just a total abomination that trampled on the dreams and souls of countless left handed people. Right handed bias incarnate I curse you for eternity! I guess pencils could be thrown in here but this was basically just doubling down on left handed misery so it reserves a special amount of ire.
Honorable Mention: College auditoriums (aisle seat only need apply), can openers, bolt action rifles, handshakes