We are almost there. Only a few more days before the Season 6 premiere of Game of Thrones and I can’t wait. The only thing that is kind of a drag about GoT is that it is so dense, with so many storylines, that its sometimes hard to remember where we left off with everyone. Well, other than Jon Snow being dead because I think Yahoo alone has published over 9000 articles on that since Season 5 ended. Also did you know Lena Headey used a body double for Cersei’s walk of shame!? Because they ran that one back about 5000 times.
This season is special for one huge reason too in that for the first time book readers (myself) and show watchers (peasants) are pretty much in the same boat as far as not knowing what is going to happen next. There are some things in the books that have yet to show up in the show so, as you read on, just be wary that we’ll be using all of the information we currently have from the books so there may be some spoilers ahead.
Anyway, I’m going to try and summarize where we left Westeros’ favorite throne seekers, knights, whores, half-men, and wights. Not only that, but we’ll throw in some blazing, dragonfire takes on who lives and who dies this season and some plot predictions. Don’t be scared. Like Captain Spears said in Band of Brothers, just assumed your favorite character is already dead and you can watch without fear. So gather your party and let’s venture forth.
First, let’s get some of those predictions out of the way. For that, we turn to Channel 5’s own Ollie Williams. Ollie?
Thanks Ollie for the TL:DR breakdown. Now let’s get a bit more in depth.
The Seven Kingdoms Summary
When we last left the Seven Kingdoms things were, how you say, not so great. Cersei’s aforementioned walk of shame has left the Queen Dowager rattled and not as resplendent as she use to be. Surely, Cersei is going to take a good, hard look at herself and realize she must change for herself, the realm, and the good of her last surviving blonde Baratheon, Tommen. BAHAHAHAHA! Nope! Cersei is about to go on a rampage most likely as soon as Jaime turns up with a dead Myrcella. Her instrument of retribution? Frankenstein’s legacy in the Kingsguardsman Ser Rober Strong (formerly the artist known as Gregor Clegane) and number one on the hit list is the High Sparrow and the Faith Militant. You know, the old guy with the bad knees but the mean scrubbing game and his army of forehead tatted monks.
I do not see this season going well for his Sparrowness and his fellow Cruz supporters. Between a pissed Cersei, a pissed Jaime, and a pissed Lady Olenna (Margery’s badass grandma) I think the commonfolk’s current run of King’s Landing is about come to an abrupt and bloody end. Don’t be surprised if we see Kevan Lannister show up again with a Lannister army either. From the trailers its clear a sizable and well armed force shows up outside of the High Sparrow’s crib at the Sept of Baelor. The only question is whether they’ll be flying the standard of Casterly Rock or of Highgarden. I’m actually leaning towards Highgarden since the Queen of Thornes rebuff at the hands of the High Sparrow came before Cersei got got so its only natural that the might of the Tyrells would make it there first. Don’t forget that Loras and Margery are still locked up in some dank cells so the Tyrells are going to want revenge just as much as Cersei.
The real question though is what happens when all the nobility get out of jail and collect $200. The veneer of politeness between Margery and Cersei has clearly disappeared after Cersei’s veiled gloating over an imprisoned Margery so I’m sure more than one queen in King’s Landing has some ideas for revenge. Its very possible once King’s Landing returns to normalcy another bloody struggle breaks out between the Lannisters and the Tyrells.
Part of this whole saga in King’s Landing is also going to involve our beloved and corpulent friend Samwell Tarly. Leader of the Tyrell forces is actually Sam’s pops, Randyll Tarly and I’m sure we’ll get to see some real tender father/son love before Sam continues south to Oldtown to be a Maester and Randyll continues North to free Margery and Loras. I’m kidding. Randyll is going to call Sam a fat piece of shit and probably threaten to bang Gilly in front of him. Dad jokes in Westeros, am I right?
With King’s Landing in absolute turmoil its no surprise that the Bolton’s have been running amok in the North. With Stannis’ army shattered, Sansa on the loose, and winter coming, it looks like Roose and Ramsay have come to the conclusion that she must’ve, ahem, bolted for the Wall and Jon Snow.
So now we come to probably the most discussed part of Season 5’s finale; Jon Snow’s ‘death’. Yes, I know pretty much everyone involved in making the show have stressed he’s dead and gone but, before the Old Gods and the New, I think that is a crock of shit. Of course, they’ll argue its a technicality because when Melisandre brings Lord Commander Snow back from the dead she’s going to hail him as Azor Ahai, the messiah of the faith of R’hollor and champion who is destined to defeat The Others. Now we’ve already seen that the red priests can do some pretty funky stuff and Thoros of Myr has brought Beric Dondarrion back from the dead several times. Factor all that in with the Season 6 trailer that shows the Wildings fighting the Boltons and the only conclusion I can come do is a reborn Jon Snow rallying the Wildings, what’s left of Stannis’ army, and the remaining Northern bannermen loyal to the Starks in an all out slugfest for the North.
It is among these loyal bannermen that we’ll find Sansa Stark. After her leap of faith with Theon indications are she made it to a yet unseen castle in the North. Speculation right now is that its at Last Hearth with the Umbers. She’ll probably get there, find out Jon Snow is Lord Commander since he had Sam sending ravens out like Sam orders Domino piazzas in asking for men and money, and send a raven to the Wall herself. Little will she know that Jon Snow isn’t going to come a callin’ but AA JS will and hell will be riding with him. He gathers his forces, marches South, and crushes the Boltons, probably with a surprise and timely attack from Littlefinger and the Knights of the Vale on the Bolton’s rear.
While we are up in the North let’s talk Bran. A storyline that got skipped over last season, Bran is basically learning how to warg from Treedude. Its through Bran and this new found power that AA Jon Snow will get warning and intel about the Others movements and whereabouts. Also, we know part of this training will lead to Bran actually getting to see The Battle at the Tower of Joy which, if done right, may be the most badass scene GoT has done to date.
Speaking of storylines that got the bye week last season, whats up with the Ironborn? Well, Balon Greyjoy, Theon’s dick of a dad, is dead. Most likely he got the heave-ho from Theon’s uncle and new character, Euron Greyjoy. Yara, Theon’s sis, will try to win the crown herself in the kingsmoot, the Ironborn’s process of selecting their ruler but basically gets shut out of the convention by super delegates and the Seastone Chair will go to Euron. Tough break Yara but you knew the rules when you joined the party. In the books, Euron is pretty much the most mysterious and menacing character alive right now and has some pretty big ideas on attaining the Iron Throne. Ideas that include taking a fleet and linking up with a certain blonde haired queen chilling in Mereen….
Ah yes, Mereen. That pleasant harpy pyramid city which just saw a general uprising between the Masters and Daenerys Targaryen’s mostly dickless new regime. Don’t worry! She did the responsible thing and flew the fuck away with her biggest, baddest dragon and left Tyrion to deal with the mess. Much like he did in King’s Landing prior to the Battle of the Blackwater, everyone’s favorite fun size drunkard will secure Mereen and Dany’s throne for her while she’s playing in the grass and getting back in touch with her roots and the Dothraki. With the show touting two huge battles this season I’m assuming the first will be the showdown in the North between the Boltons and Jon Snow while the second will be a showdown between Dany’s Mereen and a Masters raised army from the rest of the cities in Slaver’s Bay. Things will look dire for the Halfman and everyone’s favorite Unsullied, Grey Worm, until both the Ironborn and Dany on the back of Drogon with the Dothraki show up and help annihilate the slaver’s army. Suddenly, with a fleet and an army somebody is going to be ready to make a play for the Iron Throne.
That leaves us with Arya who I think will dick around for another season training and becoming a regular Jaqueline H’ghar. They’ll sprinkle in a brutal murder here or there but, for the most part, I think Arya’s season will be a set up for bigger payoffs in Seasons 7 and 8 (she’s gonna smoke Cersei).
With our recap complete lets get into something a bit more light on the reading side, heavy on the emotional side, and the most dreaded aspect of every GoT season; predictions for who is going to die. If you’d rather not get your heart broken, please, stop here. If you are strong enough, continue.
Pod and Brienne
This one is probably going to bum a lot of people out but with the show coming to a close the writers are going to have to start wrapping things up and in GoT that usually means one thing. They’ll probably get picked up by Jon Snow’s victorious army, caught with Pod in Lannister gear and Brienne carrying a Lannister sword and be summarily executed by a much less merciful, much less understanding Jon Snow. Wouldn’t be shocked if Melisandre feeds them to the flames after sensing Brienne was the one who took Stannis behind a woodshed.
I think Loras bites it in the dungeon he currently occupies thanks to that kiss and telling hot piece of ass Olyvar. Either from beatings, torture, or as a final desperate act of the Faith Militant as the Sept of Baelor is being taken. His death is going to be the flashpoint that blows up Tyrell/Lannister alliance.
This season’s Oberyn, Euron will quickly become a fan favorite. Especially so if they incorporate some of Victarion in him (Victarion Greyjoy is in the books but has been omitted from the show and is also batshit crazy/awesome) but, just like Oberyn, he’s going to get cocky. Instead of getting his head getting Gallagher’d though I think a dose of dragonfire will be his medicine when he oversteps his bounds with Daenerys.
Ramsay and Roose Bolton
Long time coming. Roose will die in battle against Jon Snow, most likely killed by him in single combat. Ramsay will be captured, brought before Sansa, burned and then skinned alive. The North is the Stark’s once again.
No victory comes without a price and, for beating the Botlons, Tormund will be the iron price paid by the Wildling forces. Essentially the de facto leader of the Wildings south of the Wall, Tormund’s death will leave a power vacuum that AA Jon Snow will be able to fill giving him the loyalty of the ferocious Wildling army. Don’t fret too much though, he’ll live on as the Wyndham Points Wizard.
One part of this season that I think is going to suck will be the buddy cop adventure that is Jorah Mormont and Daario’s quest to find Daenerys. They’ll bumble around for most of the season, Daario will find out Jorah has a nasty case of the Stoneskin, and then try to fight him to protect Danerys and lose. I’m sure Dany will take that well.
There you have it. Everything you need to read up on and prepare yourself for as we get ready to plunge back into George R.R. Martin’s rather fucked up world. I can’t wait.