Jared Smith cut the engine and began to unwrap the bandana covering his mouth. He found his hands shaking and fingers fumbling as he tried to undo the knot. He knew it was shock. He knew it was adrenaline. He still couldn’t process what he saw at the grocery store, what he did. The blood…the screams….he realized his hands had stopped moving and he swore at himself angrily and managed to get off the dust caked covering.
It had been about a month since the meteor hit. Each day it was getting worse and worse. The sky was not longer blue but and dusty, almost murky milk-white. Dust, debris, Jared didn’t really give a fuck what it was called. He just knew it meant one thing; doom. The earth was dying, the ship was sinking, and what was humanity’s response? Some nuke fireworks, bathing each other in manmade fire instead of suffocating as the sun’s was blocked out. Civilization already ended elsewhere in the world and now it was starting to end here.
Dierks Santiago stepped out of the passenger side of his Mercedes MMZ smartly, shutting the door behind him. With a few quick hand motions the MMZ pulled out smoothly, driving itself off on a loop until the auction was over. For a brief moment he thought of sending it to a parking garage, to save the world from one more luxury driving itself around but, as in many things in Dierks’ life, his whim overruled any considerations for his fellow man.
He watched with satisfaction as the car signaled its left turn and pulled out and away. Its deep blue paint reflecting the orange-pinkish light of the late afternoon sun. Silent and gliding a few inches off the ground it truly was more a work of art than an automobile and, judging by the heads turning as it coasted down the street, he wasn’t the only one to consider it so.
However, this idle admiration for Federated Germany’s most excellent machine was quickly replaced with deep concentration at the task at hand. Because today was the day Dierks Santiago stepped out from his father’s shadow and into his own. Today, Dierks’ conquest of the world began in earnest.
First and foremost, as the title suggest, I have not seen the entirety of this film. I made nearly an hour and a half before I turned it off and walked away in obvious disgust. That hasn’t happened to me in forever. I’ve watched Cowboys and Aliens until the end. I’ve made it through The Pest once. Shit, I even love Bubba Ho-Tep (go see it immediately). I would not consider myself a movie snob.
Until I saw The Martian.
I know many liked the movie. I know it was up for awards (that are paid for) and its got good reviews across multiple review sites. I get that and I vehemently disagree. If you liked the movie I’d stop reading now. Its only going to make you mad. Like being pro-choice and reading a dissenting opinion from Clarence Thomas. I’m not going to change your mind, you aren’t going to change mine so we might as well ignore each other. I’ll catch you another time.
No, this post is for those who hated it but don’t want to be the one to ruin the party. A lot of people have hyped this movie since its release. I know a lot of us who truly despised this movie were polite and kept quiet while opinions we are diametrically opposed washed into our ears and lay our minds under a siege of frustration contained forcefully by societal norms. Because if there is one thing the internet has taught us its that people HATE people who hate what they like and movies are some of the things most near and dear to people’s hearts.
Well I’m hear to save you, silent minority. I’m giving you an outlet. I’m jumping on the grenade of being that over the top, nitpicking, too serious, angry, ranting, person who will rip into this movie with the fervor usually saved for medieval battlefields. Because I know you are out there. Those who hated this movie. Who despised the characters and the dialogue and the plot. Who were so distracted by the flaws in the movie and its presupposed adherence to scientific reality while ignoring human reality. Who were distracted by the JJ Watt of astronauts, Mark Watney, acting like a total twat the entire movie (82 minutes at least).
I don’t do this because I want to. I need to. I do this because this is the internet hill I’ve chosen to die on so you, hater, don’t have to. I’ve done it to seek allies in the vast cyberspace. A beacon to rally behind. A bastion of bashing. A safe space for hate.
I know, I know. I’m a hero.
So if you hated this movie read on and let the sermon of slander be as music to your ears and a reprieve from the buzz for I am preaching to the choir.
The following is a transcript of a speech delivered before the Assembly of Shackelton by citizen Elsi Badez on 25.2.2254 in response to the Federated States message sent to Luna two days prior on 23.2.2254. It has not been altered in any way other than the omission of ambient sounds for the preservation in the Shackelton archives.
“Honored citizens of Shackelton, I speak not only to you today but to all of the citizens of Luna. I speak to you in the hopes that you will stop the rumblings of self delusion and romanticism that, at the merest utterance from that world which had forsaken us, seems to have swelled over the past couple days. This is not an address, or a speech, or an appeal as much as it is a call. A call to use sense. A call not to dishonor the work of your forbears, some who’s memories are still fresh in the minds of those who stand in this very chamber today. It is a call to sever the sentimental ties that are awakening in you the desire to gaze back upon that blue and green wasteland that has kept our minds, our ambitions, and our people anchored for too long. Yes, I speak of that world where mankind spawned. I speak of Earth, of Terra. I speak of that crumbling edifice of civilization that now, when we have lived in the void and the Grey for so long, comes beckoning. For what purpose? To bend us to their cataclysmic and small wars? To chain us to their political games and engulf or tranquil, quiet home in the flames of conflict? Of death? Of ruin? Continue reading